peace.

Psalm 34:14
Turn from evil and do good; seek peace and pursue it.
Matthew 5:9
Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God.
John 16:33
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
Romans 12:18
If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
2 Corinthians 13:11
Finally, brothers, good-by. Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.
Ephesians 4:3
Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace.
17But the wisdom that comes from heaven is first of all pure; then peace-loving, considerate, submissive, full of mercy and good fruit, impartial and sincere. 18Peacemakers who sow in peace raise a harvest of righteousness.
Peace is supposed to be a good thing right?  And to be a peacemaker is too, right?
I've been slowly discovering what a peacemaker I really am.  I've known for quite some time that I was a peacemaker;  it's been evident in my life ever since I was little - I always hated when my siblings or parents argued and I was always willing to give in and not give up pretty much anything if it meant avoiding a conflict.  If I disagree with someone, I will typically keep my mouth shut and just argue in my head.  I've always been that way.  Always.  
And I thought that was good.
Then, a few years ago, I started realizing that when I'm willing to give things up myself, it means two things.  1) I hardly ever get what I want because I just give in and 2) people think they can walk all over me.  So I tried to stand up for myself and my opinions more often.
I thought I had this figured out;  I stood up for the things I needed, even if it meant there was a little conflict or argument every once in a while.  These conflicts were ALWAYS with family members.  I never, ever argued with a friend.
Until last semester.
I really don't know what exactly happened, and I'm going to try to avoid all possible details to protect the individuals involved...  If they happen to ever read this, they'll know who they are and the rest of the world doesn't need to know the details.
But anyways, there was a lot of conflict with two of my good friends (or I thought they were good friends).  Honestly, I don't know why.  But I noticed that they were suddenly very closed off and just not normal, so I approached them about it.  Because in my minimal experience with conflict and problems with friends, that is what has worked in the past - just get it all out on the table and talk about it.  Only this time it totally backfired.  It got worse.  Before I knew it, they would hardly look at me and they refused to talk about the problem (which I still didn't even know what it was - I still don't).  I talked to other friends to see if they had noticed the same things, and they had.  We tried talking to them together, and they just wouldn't.  Things even went so far that one day I found a letter from them taped to my dorm room door.  In the letter, they said a lot of things, but never really told me what the problem was - mostly just pushed all the blame on me for little, petty things (in my eyes - and the eyes of the few people I shared it with, anyways) and saying they were stressed.  They invited me to reply with a letter, so that's what I did.  I spent hours trying to say what I felt needed to be said in the nicest way possible so as not to hurt their feelings more than necessary, but I did want them to realize just how much this conflict was affecting me and the rest of our friends.  I asked them to just tell me what the deal was, and to be completely honest.  I also appologized multiple times.  The next day, I recieved another letter from them.  This letter was downright mean.  Once again, they pushed all the blame on me.  For example, they said that they didn't even want to talk to me because they felt like every time they did I just had "another sad story to tell"  At this time in my life, I had a lot going on.  There were a lot of medical issues and other things going on with my family that I had shared with my friends, 1) to ask them to pray and 2) just so they would know what was going on.  In my opinion, this is just what friends do.  But they told me that these were my problems, not thiers, and that they didn't want to hear about them.  If I wanted to talk to someone about them, they said, I should talk to a counselor at the wellness center on campus.  They also said, among many other things, that they had no desire to be friends any more.  These were people who, a mere few weeks earlier, I would have called two of my best friends.  I did not reply to the second letter.  I did not feel there would be any point.
So I decided to try to just move on.  I said hi and sometimes tried to have a conversation when I did see them, but they wouldn't even look at me unless I talked directly to them, and then they would give one word answers.  This went on for weeks.  I thought it would get better with time.  It didn't though; eventually they deleted me as facebook friends and completely blocked me so that I can't even see their profiles.
A few weeks before school got out, a friend of mine who knew all the details talked to a friend of thiers who knew about the situation and she advised us to try to talk to them with a moderator.  So we decided to try that because things just were not getting better.  We brought the story to our RA and explained the whole thing.  She said that she would talk to them and try to get them to talk to us because she thought that they should at least do that if we wanted to try to make things better.  A few days, maybe a week, went by before she got a chance to talk to them and eventually she came back with their answer.  They absolutely refused to talk to us, saying that they were just starting to "get over it" and didn't want to bring it up again.  Besides, they said, they didn't think things were that bad.  So our RA said that we just had to let it go and move on.
So that's what I'm trying to do.  Move on.
But I can't.  I've never had any conflict with a friend, let alone completely lost two.  The only friends I've ever lost were those that I moved away from and lost touch with.
I think about these two people often.  I try to think of other,better ways I could have handled things; I try to think of things I could do to make it better.  And I can't think of anything.  The other day I sent an email to one of them, just saying I that I hope her summer is going well and that I was thinking of her.  Of course I got no response...
Whew.  Anyways, I just wanted to get that story onto paper (or screen).  I really need to move on and let it go.  It's just so hard.  Pray for me, that I might be able to continue looking for peace.