So I am applying to be an RA next year. It's something that I was inspired to do by my RA last year, Julia. She was such an encouragement and joy to everyone on my wing; she brought the entire wing together! It was amazing. So, this year comes around and a couple of my friends told me they were also thinking of applying. Then, this semester, it's just that time of year and everyone starts talking about who's applying and who they think will get it and all that jazz. It brought out all of my stupid insecurities... Ughhh. I hate this feeling. I'm scared - what if I don't get it? What will people think of me? I'll feel like such a failure...
I just don't know - I think I'd be a good RA and I've had some people tell me that they think I would be good, but I just don't know. What if people are just saying that to be nice? What if I'm really annoying and no one likes me and they just pretend they do to be nice to me? Ugggghhhhhhh.
Oh, and then there's the whole competition factor. With my friends applying, that's kind of a worry. What if I get it and they don't? What if they get it and I don't? What if none of us get it? What if all of us do - and then we spend too much time together and then we all end up hating each other? What about the other people? Who else is applying? Are they "better" than me, "cooler" then me, "more fun" then me, etc? What if I don't get alon with the other people?
What if the freshmen don't like me? What if they think I'm a dork and all decide to transfer? What if I have one with serious problems and I don't know how to handle it?
Why do I have to worry so much? I know I shouldn't. I should just give it to God and say "God, Whatever is Your plan - that's what I want. If this is something You want me to do, then it'll happen and if not, then it won't."
I know that's true, but I just can't stop thinking about it and worrying.
And the application process is so complicated too. First there's the written application with lots of big questions and stuff. Then there's the interviews, which scare me to death. I hate interviews and auditions. I don't know why. It's not like I've ever had anything horrible happen, I just am afraid of being turned down - being told that I'm not good enough. I know it doesn't matter but I just can't stop.
Okay, I'm going to stop now, take a shower, get ready for bed, and try to get my mind off it so I can get some sleep tonight.
God, I need Your help with this one.