I am totally and completely freaking out right now.

Basically, I'm having trouble getting all of my loan stuff to go through for school.  Like seriously, I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to come back in August.  I might not be there.

And I'm freaking out.

Northwestern is basically my favorite place ever.  And the idea/possibility of not being able to be there is terrible.  It's like a nightmare.  And it's happening right now.

I'm mean it's not like it's for sure or anything like that; it's definitely completely possible that everything could work out just fine.  Or that with a few sacrifices (like my summer's savings that I was planning on buying a car with) I could still make it work...  It's just being questioned right now.

And the fact that I am freaking out about this makes me sad.  Because I have said so many times that I want to live my life for God, whatever that means.  Maybe God has some huge plan for me to get started on right now, and NWC just is not a part of that plan.  I like to think that NWC is helping me to grow into a stronger Christian and preparing me to live my life for Jesus and that is why I am there, but maybe I'm more selfish then I know and I just want my friends and to have a good time.  Either way, I am definitely not trusting God right now.  If he wants me to not go to NWC, I should just jump right on that and try to figure out what he does want me to do.  But instead I am freaking out and going back on everything that I've been  saying for the last few years.  I should be saying "Okay God, if you don't want me to go back to school, then just show me where.  My life is your's, so it's up to you."  But instead, it's more like "Well God, sure I said that my life was your's and I would do anything, but now that I'm not sure if I like it, well, I'm not so sure anymore.  I just might want to keep it for myself."

No.

I am not going to let that happen.

My life is not mine.  It belongs to God, so if he has other plans, I pray that he would show them to me and help me to accept them and get over myself.

I do not want to argue with God.

I don't.

Maybe this is a test, to see if I'm really willing to give up control when it really and truly comes down to it.

Wow.  This is tough.  If you're reading this, friends, pray for me, please.

peace and love.