I have not had a good day.

Last night, when I talked to my mom, she said that we were going to have to talk about me coming home tomorrow (today).  So I was prepared.

Before I went to bed, I sat down and made a list of why I was not ready to go back to Hugo.  Mostly, it just felt like giving up on any chance of a job for the summer and I'm not ready to do that.  I can't just sit back and resign myself to a month and a half of doing nothing.  It just seems like such a waste of 1/6 of a year of my life.

This morning, my mom called me as soon as I got out of the shower.  I hadn't even eaten any breakfast yet.    We made small talk for a while before she brought up the dreaded subject.  We agreed that I needed to call Subway because they had told me last week that they were hiring, and it was my biggest lead.  So I called them, and the manager told me that she had just hired two new people and was no longer looking.  Cross that off the list.

So I called Mom back and told her.  She said "I think you need to come home."  But I had one more idea - Sara just got a seasonal job at Staples for back to school; I haven't applied at any office supply stores, maybe I could do that too.  And immediately, I got online and filled out three more applications.  I really wish that I was keeping track of the number of applications I have filled out this summer.  I used to have to check online to find out addresses of old employers and stuff like that.  Not anymore - I have it all memorized.  Seriously, I think that number has to be approaching 50.  At least that's what it feels like.

Somewhere between filling out those applications and Aunt Amy coming home, I started crying.  Crying like I haven't in a really long time.  I sat on the couch, on the porch swing, and on my bed and cried.  and cried.  and cried.  and not like single tears running down my cheeks either.  This was full out, streams of tears, snot dripping from my nose, sobbing, uncontrollable crying.  For a long time.

I just don't get it.  In trying to decide what I should do this summer - possibly, hopefully the last summer like this I have (as long as I get a job next year after I graduate) - I prayed so hard for guidance, wisdom, and discernment, I carefully considered so many options, I wanted so much to do what God wanted me to, to follow him.  And I really meant it, too.  I was 100% willing to go wherever and do whatever he wanted.  Ethiopia, living on campus, a graphic design internship, Hugo, camp - I considered all my options so carefully.  I spent months waiting for God to show me what I should do.  And I never doubted that he would answer my prayers and guide me.  When Aunt Amy offered to have me live with them, I thought it was just what I needed.  To be with family and have a laid back summer after Ethiopia.  And I felt totally at peace about it.  I really thought that's what God was telling me to do.  

And yet I'm sitting here in Littleton, crying.  because I can't find a job anywhere, I'm running out of time, and I don't want to waste my last summer.

So I went to the three office supply stores to explain my situation and ask if it would even be a possibility for me to get a job for such a short amount of time.  One of them said no, one told me to call back tomorrow and talk to someone who wasn't there, and one said absolutely the time frame wouldn't be a problem and they were hiring cashiers.

Then my mom called again.  She stopped at Braums, explained my situation, and picked up an application.  They told here that they were hiring and the time frame wouldn't be a problem since they hire new people all the time.  She filled out the application for me, with me telling her what to write over the phone, and took it back.  The manager looked at it and mom asked if I had a chance.  The manager said yeah, it looks good and we really need someone over 18 for the dayshift - have her come see me as soon as she gets in town.

So the dilemma.  For whatever reason (is it God, giving me a sign???) airfare to OKC this weekend is half the cost of the rest of the summer.  So if I'm going to go home, I should do it Saturday or Sunday.

I don't know what to do.

I'm praying about it, but quite honestly, I'm a bit afraid to trust God with this right now.

I know he's got a plan and everything happens for a reason, but I just cannot figure out what it could possibly be.